I think I've figured out at least part of the hospice people's claim about people losing interest in the world as they get closer to death.
I don't know that it's losing interest, so much as it's losing the ability to express interest.
My experience of this chemo thing is that as the side effects get ickier, and as fatigue drains my focus and my internal resources, my interest in the world - and in people - becomes more receptive and less expressive, if that makes sense.
There are a lot of things that I would very much like to do, and many people that I very much want to interact with... but getting up the energy and focus to actually do even very simple things takes so much effort and seems to eat up so much time that I simply don't have the ability to talk/write to the people I'd like to interact with, or do the things I'd like to do.
By the time I get up (before 7am), stop the nosebleed, eat a meal, either go to a doctor appointment or skim through my emails, maybe have a snack, stop another nosebleed, take a nap, eat dinner, spend a few minutes with my husband and/or kid... I might have a little time to either write a couple short emails OR watch a bit of television OR write a post to one of my blogs OR talk to one person on the phone somewhere in there. Maybe. And that will pretty much wipe me out, and I'll go to bed at around midnight. Or later.
Seriously, that's more than half my days, right there. You would think there was plenty of time to do lots of other stuff in there, but somehow for me there isn't. Things just seem to take forever to do.
I suspect I must do a lot of staring into space or something, while I martial the energy to breathe. But I'm not consciously aware of that part.
When someone is there in front of me, I love to be with them. And I think about all of you - I definitely have not lost interest. I love to hear from you, I enjoy our talks, I am curious about what you are doing. I've just lost the ability to chase after you: to write the post, to write the email, to call you up, to send the card.
I know it's pretty easy to interpret that as a loss of interest. But that's not it. It's more a loss of my place in the Space/Time Continuum. Somehow my days are only 3 hours long or so, even though the demands on my time are the same as they were when I had a full 24 hours.
So feel free to write, or call, or even make a lunch date. I'm listening. It's just hard for me to catch you when you are all running past so very quickly...