Some people slip from this mortal coil with little warning. Others of us get some inkling that the end is near, and theoretically that means that we have time to prepare ourselves and our loved ones for our inevitable passing.
So what have I done with the past three years?
I'm not entirely sure.
There are still so many things I need to do - things to knit, things to write, things to organize - and so little time and energy with which to do them. I know it's going to be impossible to do everything I want to do, and that is so frustrating. I'm pretty realistic about my situation, I think, but that doesn't mean that I'm ready to go. I wonder if anyone ever is?
I'm afraid that I haven't learned as much as I should have about people and life and even about myself in the five decades I've been here - I feel as though I should be wiser than I am, and better prepared.
I shouldn't be as worried as I am about other people, I should have more faith that things will work out. I shouldn't be as impatient with youthful foibles as I am - after all, most of us do survive the mistakes we made as youngsters, and growing up will happen with or without my interference or assistance.
I shouldn't be sweating the small stuff at this point in my life. I shouldn't get so irritated when people don't know what to say, so they say stupid stuff ("well, you LOOK good...") I shouldn't get so confused when people say things probably meant to be complimentary ("you are such an amazing/strong/fierce fighter..." - what does that mean?) and instead just enjoy the fact that they care enough about me to say something nice. I should remember to compliment others more often, to let people know how much I appreciate them and love them.
I should have a better idea of what life is all about. You would think that with several years' warning, I'd have had time to figure all this out, but I don't think I've used the time correctly, or something, because I don't feel that I'm any wiser or better a person than I was four years ago.
What is the likelihood that I will close this huge gap in wisdom and accomplishment in a few short months, when I haven't done so in the last few years?
Which means that I will go out pretty much in the same state that I came in... wrinkled, unevenly developed, flawed, and human.