Chemo Sucks

During my pre-chemo checkup this past week, Dr. Bouncy chirped on about how the last round of chemo was probably bad because it was killing cancer cells and that was causing toxins from the cancer to poison the system, and that meant that this round of chemo would probably be better.

I should have smacked him around a bit while he was within reach.

It was not the cancer cells poisoning the system.  It was the chemo drugs poisoning the system.  This round is kicking my butt big time.  I'm nauseous, I'm bleeding, I'm exhausted, and I'm in pain.  And it's going to get worse with each round.  Two more to go, before switching to something else that will make me feel crappy in a different way.

And this is better than the cancer how?

It would be one thing, I suppose, if there was some hope - however vague and unlikely - that doing this might cure me, or bring me another decade of decent quality life.  Even a few years of decent quality life.

But that is not on the table.  The only time I will be off chemo from here on in is when I decide I can't take it any more, that death would be preferable.  Or when chemo doesn't work at all, and death becomes inevitable.  Or when the chemo itself kills me.

Whichever comes first.

Sometimes a good attitude is just impossible to muster.  Sometimes I can't remember why I should even bother trying to muster it.

I'll try to muster it tomorrow.  But for today, I just can't.


Delighted Hands said...

Down days have their place in the world.......chemo stinks and there is no use pretending it doesn't!

The Violet Hoarder said...

My dear friend--we are not here for you to cheer us up. You never have to apologize for anything you post. We're here to listen to whatever you want to share with us on your journey. And maybe--sometimes to buoy you up a little--if we can.

PN said...

I love you, darling girl! Love, Aunt Mary

mrspao said...

Hug xxxxx

Hua said...

Chemo does suck, hang in there.


terpsi said...

Screw the good attitude. Cancer sucks. I think of you every day and wish I could send you the comfort that is in my heart for you. Love, donna

krex said...

If you think it sucks to have to suffer the treatment so that you can just have a few more days to suffer the cancer....wait until you get the bill . (sounds funnier delivered in an old Jewish mans voice ).