It's been a really bad week.
The scary thing is that we don't know why, since the Gamma Knife treatment seems to be shrinking the brain tumors we worked on a couple weeks ago, and the PET/CT scans look as though the body tumors are relatively stable or somewhat less active (although there are a couple more in the liver and lungs, they don't seem to be affecting me much per se). They were able to get to the little tumor in the back of my head on Wednesday, and the neuro guy says that the tumors are small and there is little-to-no swelling in the brain.
So why the vertigo, the nausea, the weakness, the falling, the misery of a foot that not only won't hold me up or obey my commands, but is pulling the muscles of my foot and leg in such a way that they are cramped up, frozen, and 'asleep' all the time?
I can't get up to our house any more - at the moment, that's the big issue. I am going to need to move to my folks' house in order to go to doctor appointments - and in order to do that, I need to move my hospital bed and various sick-person's accoutrements to their house. And they don't have a real guest room, so we're forced to stick me in their living room - a terrible amount of trouble and loss of privacy and fearful amount of work for them and for me.
Will the trouble itself force me into hospice care? I don't feel anywhere ready for that yet, in spite of the pain and debilitation... but there are all sorts of questions that accompany these decisions. If I get better for a while, would I be able to move back home for a bit? Would moving me back and forth be more bother for my folks than all the work and sacrifice that caring for me entails, or less? Are my folks both physically and emotionally strong enough to deal with my needs? For how long? Am I emotionally strong enough to deal with all the various changes that my condition and my living quarters are forcing on us?
Will I essentially be forced to quit treatment and abandon all hope of a bit of extra time, all because of a relatively short but unfortunately steep set of stairs between me and my doctors? At the moment, that's how I'm feeling. I'm being put down by a set of steps...