I'll Soon Be Glowing. Again.

Well, there's just no way of getting around it; the hip pain and the Amazing Bouncing Tumor is going to make me anxious until I know whether or not it's something I should be changing treatments for. And the only way to find that out is to get scanned.

I don't want to do it. I mean, I really, really don't want to do it. I think it's a bad thing to irradiate myself so much. Which I think seems strange to Dr. Bouncy, when I'm so relatively doggedly realistic and fatalistic in other ways.

I talked to my counselor about it, and it turns out that part of my hesitation to do another scan is that in some ways holding on to the idea that I don't want to do something that is likely to encourage the cancer down the road several years , that is my one act of optimism about the future. I feel that by giving in to the fear and irradiating myself again, I am admitting that I suspect that things are going to keep sliding downhill fast, that it won't matter very much if I keep irradiating myself. It's basically saying that I probably won't live long enough to suffer the consequences.

So I don't want to do it. But the fact is that the anxiety is getting to me, and it's not going to stop keeping me up at night until I know what is really going on. Hope is warring with my need to know what is going on, my need to take action, my need for control (however illusory that sense of control might be). Optimism not being my strong suit, hope is not winning this particular battle.

So. Scan on Monday, results probably at the end of the week.

Wish me luck. My optimism may be wimpy, but I gratefully accept donations.


Delighted Hands said...

well, praying that it will go well on Monday and the results will be favorable.

The Violet Hoarder said...

Meteor-sized wad of optimism heading your way.
Fear is a bully. Knock him over the head with a stick.
Then, go get ice cream bon-bons at Trader Joes.

Nancy K. said...

I'd say let optimism rest a bit, tell fear to take a hike and just for today, have a really nice day with someone that you love!

Of course, that's what I'd "say". But if you're still feeding the need for a "fix" of optimism, I can spare a little. My Beautiful Baby Girl is coming home for a visit and that makes me very happy! So, I'll gladly share some of that happiness and optimism with YOU!

Love & good thoughts coming your way...

Roberta said...

My dear friend...this thing that we share...it really is a purgatory. We must balance the practicality of knowing we will not get out of this situation alive, but then the desperation that comes with the human condition of wanting to survive at all costs...and then the pragmatic side of resigning ourselves to what is realistic and possible.
It is not heaven or hell...because we have the pain of disease, but the luxury of spending more time with our loved ones.
Purgatory here on earth.

I am here with you, holding your hand every step. Good news or bad. Or mixed reviews.

Love you.

Celticsprite said...

Good luck to you on Monday, you are in my thoughts cuz. Hope the results are better than you imagine.