Had a lovely time last night at the annual Christmas Eve get-together with my mom's side of the family. At least one relative made it pretty clear they were thinking this might be our last Christmas Eve all together, which was awkward and sad, but I guess I'm going to have to get used to that feeling. It's weird and a bit awful to think of it all going on without me.
Everything feels somewhat bittersweet right now. I feel it strongly sometimes at odd moments, usually when I am struck by the beauty of the world, a combination of sorrow and poignancy that is very strong. Sometimes I also feel resentment towards the Universe, of course - I don't think, really, that I've been handed a very fair hand throughout my life (how many of us have?), and this feels like more of the same, everything snatched away just as it's starting to look like I finally might come into my own. I try not to indulge that last bit too much, as self-pity is such an unattractive thing and I fear I'm more inclined towards it than I should be. But the feeling does intrude now and again, whether I will it or not.
Still, there is still something tender about that bittersweet feeling, and it does remind me of how precious everything is, how complex and delicately balanced and amazing. 'Awesome' is a word too often used nowadays, but it describes the feeling that sometimes overpowers me lately, in sudden moments of crystalline clarity. It's good to have those moments, between the stretches of chaos and dismay that seem so overwhelming at times.